My Path

I had trouble with my internet connection yesterday so I wasn’t able to post anything. It was frustrating. I did my usual meditation but during the last minutes I went through my chakras, from may root to my head, spinning the pinwheels and movie the stagnant energy there. I really felt the difference afterward but even throughout the meditation I felt the every move through me and I could feel where it was blocked. I felt a major blockage in my throat chakra, which I can understand. I deal with a lot of issues concerning the truth and speaking it. I can twist words like the best lawyer and I honed that talent through a tough childhood. It wasn’t as physically rough as some but it really skewed my ability to see and process what was going on around me, I had to discount what I was seeing, in order to survive. It's a blockage that hasn’t been cleared but I am working on it. I also felt  smaller blockage in my sacral and solar plexus, my sexual expression and self power chakra...

I was again a little rushed but I decided that ten minutes was better than none so I went ahead. I had to rearrange my altar this morning because I was in a hurry and messed it up by removing the altar cloth, knocking everything off in the process and now I have ashes on the floor that ned to be picked up.  Now the altar looks a little better, I needed to dust anyway. I have a few pictures of trees representing the world tree on the left I to those at an art fair last year. I painted a candle with the awen symbol in the flame, representing the flame of inspiration. I have feathers representing the air and crow feathers from my old home representing the past.  My patron sits closest to the fire with the wise owl s company. Both are symbols of wisdom and endings.

i continued with my chakra meditation today. i used the same imagery as before, imagining my sacral chakra as a spinning pinwheel that i could spin with my breathing. i added the thought that in spinning it i was also cleaning all the dust or old evergy from it, an image of a spinning wheel of fire came to me then, burning away the bad or old built up blockages that have built up over the years. i have many blockages in this area, probably more that in my root.  relating with th asexual has alway been a little bit of a minefield for me, open discussion of this subject was discorage heavily.  both of my parents had their own reasons for blocking this path to knowledge in their own lives but as a consequence it is difficult to find my own way. Your parents are your first teachers, and when they hide knowledge or discourage learning about a part of your own body, you learn to distrust any future teachers.  including yourself. learning to trust your intuition or even yo...

i was completely and utterly distracted today. the first ten minutes went fine but as soon as i got got into the last part a fly came in and started buzzing around the room. my cat started chasing fly, crash into various objects long the way. finally he crashed into my lap and my meditation was over. my leg was asleep as well so it was just as well. hopefully, tomorrow will be better. it was a good meditation really, until the fly came in buzzing  I made valiant effort at the chakra pinwheel meditation but the cat chasing the fly kinda threw me off. I have to accept that some days are going to work out like that, some things are beyond my control. my cat being one of those things. it would have been nice to be able to continue despite the distractions but claws tend to get my attention, especially on my bare skin. its the smallest things that cause us the most trouble or help us overcome. “Sometimes it is the smallest thing that saves us: the weather grow...

First day of the fourth week, i’ve been writing these little blurbs for month now. Or will be at the end of this week. i mixed up my meditation a bit today, i turned my phones timer on nd then had a chakra tuner running in the background for my root chakra. i think this week I am pin to go through my chakras,one for every day this week. i first went through my relaxation script and them spent the rest of the time tuning my root chakra. i imagined it was like a pinwheel and my out breathes were spinning it around. it was a good meditation, i went really deep and i felt a real difference in how grounded i was after my meditation and how i felt while i was meditating. The chakra are important power centers that reside along our spines but most of the literature I’ve read on them is very abstract and hard of me to grasp. pinwheels are a item i see every day and i’m very familiar with how they work. imagining my out breaths blowing my chakra pinwheel around was very easy and super eff...

Last day of the third week?  Another milestone. I fell asleep again today, waking up again to do my meditation, I can’t blame myself too much because I did on;y et to sleep around one in the morning last night. It was a little better today, I switched the relaxation technique making it the first rather than the last. I went deeper than I expected. Then my foot went numb during the last few minutes and I had to move it. Not bad. It was definitely better than yesterday. I was still frustrated that I had to move but I think I can shane that with a simple change in positioning. I’ll have to experiment wit a few different postures, see which fit s best. My cat came to sit with me, he sat in my lap and it actually helped my posture bit. Its funny, sometimes haven my cat is a distraction during meditation but sometimes its almost a boon to have him around.  It really depends on his mood or if I fed him that morning or not.  I as looking for my invocations but could only fi...

I had a weird day today, i got up about an hour before i had to work so i didn’t really have time for My meditation. I felt kinda off all day because of it. it was like I hadn’t started my day and continue in my day felt very strange. i was kinda lethargic all day today but i did eventually meditate and pray in the afternoon. it wasn’t very satisfying though, i couldn’t concentrate and my cat kept interrupting. he sat in my lay eventually but i still couldn’t really sit down and concentrate. i eventually gave up and ended early. it was frustrating. I probably should find some way to liven my meditation up or something . It was really weird. I’ll try again tomorrow, maybe i’ll find a mantra to use instead of the usual silence with my breathing. Find a few songs to meditate to. 5 songs 3 min each should do it. Breaking my routine was really weird, I have to say after almost three months of doing the same routine it as a jolt to do something different. Maybe I can incorporate moveme...

Same routine as yesterday.  I used the prewritten prayers again. I am forcing myself to continue the routine. About every 3 or four months I go through a brief depression where I don’t ant to do anything, so not wanting to do the meditation or writing isn’t an excuse to not do it. I need the stability but I also feel better for it afterwards. Its one thing I can and have accomplished every week that I can look back on with pride. For most of my life I have given up on so much when it got to be hard, and I regret those choices bitterly. I was never given the support to accomplish even the smallest of ideas and even belittled for any decision I did make. I struggle with making decisions not because I am indecisive by nature but because I have learned to not trust my own ideas or decisions. Sometimes even I belittle my own practice when i am in one of my moods and think about stopping because it’s such a small thing that doesn’t really effect me but then i force myself to think ...

I got up about 8 today but slept in till 11. Today is payday so I’ll actually have money in my account. Not for long but its still good enough for now. My meditation as a little drowsy, I was tired even after having more than eight hrs of sleep, its funny the more sleep I get the more tired I become. I actually conducted my own prayers without the book, giving my prayer to the hearth goddess, Vesta, and the kindreds as well. It seemed to me that my words were more heartfelt than just reading them out of a book, I received inspiration through the book but the words and intent were my own. I wanted the goddess to keep chaos and darkness from my home and the people living in my home. I Acknowledged the kindreds in my daily life. I actually felt more connected to my prayers because of it. I have invocations I have written that I am going to include in my daily rites, my patron would appreciate being acknowledged apart from the general kind. I have also written an invocation to T...

I was a little jittery and just all around distracted today during meditation. I don’t really know why. I did my usual prayer but couldn’t seem to concentrate. I struggled through the fifteen minutes. The only thing or part I was pleased with was the lighting of the candles, incense and the prayers. I really felt connected to the divine this morning. It was kinda cool, a feeling I haven’t had in a long time.  The whole reason I left the church as I was feeling disconnected and alone, I found a pagan church that made me feel loved and part of a family or community I could trust and identify with.  Its also true that my pastor was completely unaware I was being physically abused in my own home, it felt like a betrayal when I told him and he was oblivious. I felt like I didn’t matter, even in the one place I had been taught should accept and love me. It was hard, growing up as almost a shadow of a person, someone that could be ignored on a daily basis.  I found somethi...

Second day of the secons week. I’m all smiles but very tired. I had to move my car again after only 3 hrs of sleep and I had a couple glasses of wine last night with my sister. I had a good time. It was nice venting about what was going on to someone. I have the day off and don’t have any plans. I might go to the music concert out at the park tonight after I drop my niece off at her friends but before that I am drawing a blank. What do you do with a sixteen year old that doesn’t cost money? When she gets up we might walk over to wendy’s and get an ice cream but those are the extent of my plans.  I could get my scrapbooking stuff together and make cards…that could be fun. I meditated today but I was distracted…my cat was yowling at me and I couldn’t concentrate. It was somewhat frustrating.  I’m getting a little bored with the prewritten prayers, they were great to get me started but maybe now I can start thinking about creating my own. I have a couple invocations I could...

Day 15 Another week has begun.  I did my meditation a little differently today, I concentrated just on my breath for the majority, keeping my thoughts away from my worries as best as I could. They were in my thoughts but s soon as i realized, i gently went back to my breath. thoughts aren’t the bad guy here but the just aren’t what I am concentrating on right now. kind of like when you’re working on a project and you need to follow certain steps, right now I am focusing on step one for my day, my worries are step 2 or 3. they have their place just not right now.  I sent my resume out and I hope to hear back in the next couple days. I’m a little nervous but really hoping to get this job so I can quit my current one. I’m moving in with my other sister in less than a month, and if this job goes well I might be able to start paying my other sister back for all the trouble i’ve been these last few months. I owe them over 1000 dollars for rent and should be able to pa them bac...

The end on the first two weeks, a milestone. I was tired during my meditation, I had slept 3 hrs so that wasn’t a surprise. I went back to bed after I was done. It’s a normal day. Not much to take note of. I had to feed my cat, I ate my lucky charms. It’s a routine kind of day. Some days, most days, are like that. Its good to have days where nothing happens and you can just relax. Alway being in tension ever day is not only unhealthy it’s draining. Take advantage of these days. Meditate an extra few minutes, sleep in, watch a movie with a loved one. Soon enough the days will come where you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off, enjoy the days between, you will miss them. I miss having them occasionally. Take a stab at loving the chaos but also loving the peace and routine. They are both a part of life and need to be savored. Don’t be a ‘fluffy bunny,’ acknowledge that there are bad days that come with the good. They don’t all have a purpose and sometimes ...

I skipped a day of writing yesterday. It was a full day so I can’t really blame myself. I did meditate when I could though so at least I kept that up. That it’s the important habit really.  Yesterday really was a doozy, I first visited my grandmother in the hospital early in the morning and then I immediately had to go to work till 11pm. I also had to deal with two extremely bitchy guests that nearly had me and my manager in tears. It was a hard day to stay positive but I got through it. My manager had to write a note for her manager explaining what happened, I hope we don’t get in trouble. I find it ironic that immediately after I make the resolve to be positive this kind of day appears on the roster. I am not surprised but it is ironic. That is where the challenge comes in, its easy to be bubbly while times are good but when things don’t go well, its hard to stay on the bright side. I really find it annoying when I meet true ‘fluffy bunny’ people. People who don’t acknowled...

The day started a little late. I was jittery during meditation and my cat peed on my blankets this morning.  So, today was interesting getting started. I try to focus on the positive but really its against human nature so, its difficult. Focus on the fact I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in while my cat pees on me. Thats a challenge. It’s a good practice to get into though, finding one positive thing to start your day with can help bring your day, no matter how it starts, a good start. I do have a roof over my head. I do have a bed to sleep in. I do have a job that pays. Other things may not be so great but I do have most of my essential needs met on a regular basis. My cat is healthy and I can support his daily needs.  Count your blessings is used when we forget what we have and appear ungrateful but it should be an everyday practice. We have so many things to be grateful for and saying it more often can’t be a bad idea. We have so many people to be gratefu...

The first week is drawing to a close and this morning I was a little late in awakening because I as up till 3 last night doing silly stuff. I really need to cut that out. I was a little rushed even though I really had nothing to o today after I picked my dad up from the airport. I recognized that I really do need to meditate before I do something stressful, picking my dad up is stressful. I don’t like driving with him because he is a backseat driver in the worst way and it makes me nervous. I don’t care for direction unless I ask for it. He’s sitting beside me as I write this and I am kinda glad he can’t hear what I am typing about him. I missed fathers day so I should really get him something while he is here.  He has done so much for me over the years that I really find it hard to say no when he asks. I feel obligated but I also feel resentment, he raised us to be semi dependent on him then ran away when we needed him most. When you make obligations to the ones you love y...

At the beginning I never imagined I would get this far. I know that points to a very low opinion of what I can do, but there it is. Its midway through the second week and I feel like I have accomplished something big. It takes three weeks to make a habit but a lifetime to keep it. There I said my deep thought for the day, can we move on now? Move on to how much I dislike my job. Move on to why I am going to be moving for third time in the last six months. Move on to….Life as mundane as it can be at times. It’s comforting in a way how simple and not deep every day life can be. Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get. Plain milk chocolate or dark rich nutty brittle. I personally can’t stand the carmel pieces. I leave them to my dad to consume, he loves them. *shiver*  Another thing I don’t like are the people who take one bite and then put the piece back. If you don’t like it throw it away, deal with the unpleasantness rather than making someone else. It...

Day 9 I woke up at nine today for my daily ritual, I wasn’t exactly jittery but I wasn’t calm either. I was tired and took an hour nap afterward. I made my prayers to the dawn and to the spirits that live in the home, the boundary keepers and the spirit of the hearth. Home was on my mind and has been for some time. Where I’m living isn’t my ideal and is only temporary place. I am looking for a place to stay the I’ll find joy in but thats hard to come by especially on my budget. The next place I will live will have a completely feel than here in the city, I don’t like living completely surrounded by freeways and airports. I would be happy living in a tent right now, if I could live there without sacrificing hygiene and access to wifi. I admit I am a little spoiled but I really haven’t thought of what I truly want in a home in a serious fashion for some time, if at all. My thoughts and reams were always in the way, I had to pack them away to take care of my mother or get my schoolw...

I woke up around six today to move my car and then did my meditation , fully intending to start my day. It was a good meditation but as I lay back on my bed to think of my plans for the day I fell back asleep and did not wake till 1230. It’s frustrating to think I wasted half my day but really I wan’t too surprised. The night before I had gotten off work late and I did not get to bed until after one o’clock . 5 hrs didn’t cut it and meditation only helped so much. I know this sounds silly but its been said that meditation can replace sleep but I really can’t see that happening at least to a beginner. Maybe the yogis on the mountaintop cannot sleep for days while they meditate but for us lowly mortals down in the valley I can’t say I find that appealing. Maybe thats why all the answers the yogis give to us are in riddles? Their brains are so addled by lack of sleep that they only speak in a kind of code that other yogis might (or might not) understand.  So, what I le...

I was a little bit rushed today, I on;t ha 45 minutes to get ready fro work so I had to squeeze a 15 minute meditation in. I changed up my routine a bit. I spent 10 minutes counting my inbreathes, in cycles of 10 and doing a short prayer before hand. It was’t as satisfying because I didn’t plan ahead a bit and spend time on it rather that rushing. I also in’t have my app so I was a little bit worried about time. I really nee a timer to really let go and meditate. i don’t nee d a whole lot of structure but eh little that  I do need, when I don;t can be devastating to my routine.At minimum I need a timer to get a satiating experience. While dissatisfying on some level I was able to learn a valuable lesson from this ‘failure’. Finding out your limits is just as important succeeding with your goals. Recognizing where your weak can tell you where you need to improve.You can also learn from your mistakes so that when you are in the same position you can try something new to maybe s...

My meditation went well, at the end I was a little jittery but other than that it went well. I’m feeling pretty goo about praying in the morning, I pray for many people but mostly the wellbeing of those closest to me. I may pray for the world later on but the people in my world are what matter right now. We’re so spread out right now I like to keep them close in my thoughts at least.  One day I might actually wake up before noon. Someday. Not today though. I had a bad day at work, I nearly had a panic attack. I really need to get a better job.  I’m feeling pretty good about my morning routine.  I’m surrounded by so much negativity right now its nice to at least start the ay on a positive note. Thats what my meditation and prayer is for me, that not I want my day to start out on. If it goes downhill from their at least it started out as well as I could make it. I only have control over my actions and reactions. So I start out my day the best that I can.

I was jittery again today. i woke up a little late after my dad called to remind me to call my grandmother. she’s in the hospital after breaking her hip. i have to work later and i as tempted to skip today with the writing but decide it was too early to make skipping a habit. maybe when i have more writing under my belt i’ll skip a day or two. i m always prone to skipping out on a new habit when it becomes hard. i think most people are but its always a struggle for me especially. i really am having a hard time keeping up with this workbook but i’ll keep trying. Thats what this entry is about really, doing what needs to be done even when its hard. Starting small in things like meditation or writing a blog are stepping stones to creating habits of perseverance that last through the hard times .The small steps are important, begin small now and you will be ready for the big things later on.  The hard time would come when you move and don’t have a set up place to do your meditati...

I was really jittery during meditation today. Usually I have to fight to stay awake, not really but it was funny that I didn’t want to sit still. I changed my hand position and that seemed to help. I read somewhere that holding your hands facing upward on your knees help you keep awake wile you were meditating tired and holding your hands facing the ground helped ground excess energy into the ground. I was jittery with energy so I did this, it helped an I complete my meditation without too many problems. It’s amazing what can change with simple actions. It can b the placement of my hands or the words that com out of my mouth. Little things make big changes even if you are not aware of them at the time. Making those small changes is really important even if we cannot see immediate change. That is one thing I think people have lost in this generation, the patience to wait for the outcome. I also think we have lost empathy for out fellow man but thats a different kettle of fish entir...

Day 3 I’ve just done my meditation for the day. I lit my candles with more intent at least consciously. The shining ones got the bigger candle. The ancestors got the blue candle in the well and the nature spirits and spirits of the land got the incense they could smell on the wind. I thought about what I wanted to write and my personal nature spirit, my cat Pi, came in to say hello.  He needed his daily dose of me and water. I can relate to that need because I am filling a spiritual version of that right now. I am filling up my well of energy for my soul for the day with my prayers and meditations on what the day will bring.  Over the last two months I have fulfilled a wanting that has been in my life perpetually and with that filling I have found other areas that are as empty and it is frustrating to some degree. I was content with my job but now I find that I deserve and want more than they are willing to give me so I must move on. I have noticed the duplicity and...

Day 2 of however many days maybe 52 I don’t really know when it started but for a while now I have lit two candles and an incense stick each time I sit to meditate and pray each morning. They really weren’t a conscious choice in the beginning o they really didn’t have meaning behind them originally but now that I do think on them the meaning is pretty clear. The incense is for the land or nature spirits the candle in the well is for the ancestors The large candle scented with lilac is for the shining ones or Gods. I light them before I begin my prayer. Setting the stage really and lighting the way for the rest of my day.  I have a book of prayers that I read from each morning, a short two minute prayer that I speak aloud before the next 13 minutes of silence. I pray to the dawn herself, I pray to the numinous beings that surround us unseen, I pray that the dawns rays guide me and keep all that I hold dear safe until evening comes . I pray for many things but mostly it ru...

Day 1of how ever many I end up writing I have become aware through my own search that a handbook for someone hoping to create a daily spiritual practice is not available. At least not one that I want to use or need. So, I am writing one. One day at a time for the next 52 weeks i will sit down and write it. Its going to be hard, especially when my computer isn’t exactly in working order. pieces are missing and the letter d is stubborn and unyielding. I will write down my thoughts of the day, at least 25o of them, creating a daily practice for myself and maybe helping bridge the gap I have found for others. i don’t like to write, i never have. When I wake up, there is no specific time, I pray before my altar. i meditate on my breathing for 13 minutes. then I begin my day.  I have a neat little app that helps my keep track and having no set time or number I have meditated and prayed almost religiously for almost 2 months. i have mediated over 4 hrs in that two months. Lets start...