Week One: Moving Round the Sacred Wheel

 

Reflection: "You manifest the Jewel of your existance with every breath, with every day that you are alive."

 

South: How you manifest in the world phisically

I don't manifest myself phisically or at least thats the best way I can describe  the way I do. In a crowd of people I am constantly trying not to bring attention to where I am and I truly am made hyper aware of every sound I make when in a new enviorment. i don't cry when I get hurt and my pain tolerance is very high. My voice is hard for people to catch, even when I'm trying to be heard and I am likely to be completely ignored when someone first enters the room. The turn around and eventually see me but always are surprised. 

I've been thinking about this over the last week and its hard to put into words how I feel about it. I don't like being a phisical person and would love just to blend in with the crowd. On the other hand I think that fear of something, I can't quite define it yet, keeps me from speaking out or trying harder to be noticed.

This hiding aspect of my personality could very well be a defense from a dangerous family life. 

It could also stem partially from a lack of self-esteem and healthy boundries. Defining the cause isn't as important as finding the solution, I know the cause somewhere, it will present itself when I am ready.

Being phisically small has always given me a great deal of pride, I could alway find the best places in Hide N'Seek but on the other end it was difficult for me to chase anyone down. 

I don't like phisical labor, not that I don't like to help but just not in that way. Sitting down and having a discussion is what I'm good at. Talking out someones problems with them or just listening is one of my joys. That I know stems from a fear of failure and lack of self-esteem. I could never do anything right so why try?

Interaction with people is a strain. I know I need to interact but if I'm not in the mood....don't bother me or you might get me mad. I don't get mad often but you know when I am pissed...if you pay attention.

Everyone else has a right to speak and not be interrupted...expect myself. I am always being pushed aside for bigger and louder topics.

I hardly get a word in edgewise at the dinner table. Even writing in a journal is a struggle...no one will read it anyway.

I have real issues in this area, I acknowledge that.  Fear, lack of selfesteem and boundry issues are my main obstacles when manifesting phisically.

West:Your relationship with your emotions

I don't tend to be a very emotional person.

When emotions hit me they are bottled up unexpressed. I know this is a bad habit but it was necessary at one time. Feelings of low self worth and depression permeate many of my  childhood and teenage years. I never acted out because just being able to express my emotions just  wasn't worth it. I recieved no validation for what I was feeling. So, I learned to stop feeling or at least seem to.

 I was easily manipulated, needing validation gave cruel people the ability to hurt me very deeply. 

Friendships were shallow, no true investments were made nor any deep connections. I yearned for someone to truly invest in me when I couldn't do the same.  

It still remains difficult for me to even create the simplest of connections and meeting new people is terrifying for me.

 

North: How you relate to 'Spirit'

On an intuitive level I know that there is another world out there that I cannot phisically see. I trust this intuion only to a certain point. When in touch with my intuition, when tarot reading for exampe, pushing the cynical critic asid is easy in the short term but if I allow myself to think deeply the critic comes out stronger than ever. THe thought that only one god is the correct one to worship seem egotistical to me. I believe that all creatures were shaped from the same energy and none of them are on a greater pedestal above the other. Animals have to be a greatest teachers both spiritually and phisically. 

My spirit guide/animal is a mother bear, she teaches me lessons that a true mother teaches her child. Spirit permeates all things and so should your spirituality. 

East: Your relationship with your mind and your mental process

I have a very low opinion of my mind. My memory is like a seive in most cases and my thoughts can be very random.

Over thinking things has always been one of my biggest issues.

Before I visit someone I always imagine how the visit will go and it makes me so nervous and scatterebrained before  I even see the person.

I'm not an idiot by any definition of the word but I can come across like that because I tend to ramble. Check my Youtube videos if you want an example. 

Structure and boundries are my biggest pitfalls mentally.

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