Midsummer Angst Fest...

 Hey!

Me and my sister, Arshell, went up to Valley Fair Mall to go bra shopping at Layne Bryant for thier annual sale. Buy 2 get 2 Free.

All you women who have larger than average breasts size know how much of an excursion bra shopping can be and sympatize with my reluctance but need to get new bras. I was down to one and that one broke this morning.

I need a new bra, and this was the day that was fated for us to go.

Its 95 here and the mall has AC, which was just a bonus, right?

I've lost weight recently so I was under the 'delusion', I didn't know it was a delusion at the time, that my bra size had decreased from a DD to a single D. Which would have made shopping for Bras a bit less strenuous, really but it wasn't to be.

Instead of decreasing, like my waistline, the girls have doubled in size.

Now, this could be only that I hadn't been fitted to the correct size but thats not the point of this post.

I'm angsting about my bra size so get with the program and angst with me.

I absolutely hate having my breast size. 

I understand that some have it worse than me, even if its on the other side of the spectrum or they have a larger weight to bear but I am rarely selfish so I am gonna be a selfish bitch right now and say I don't care what your problem with your chest is, mine is bigger because its me.

I have real body issues, some would say but then they go on and speak of people who would kill for my so called problem(s). 

I have to say killing for anything short of food or protection seems like a personal problem to me, but I digress.

I don't want anything major I just would settle for a single D rather than 3.

Thats not too much is it?

I'm not gonna ask for life threatening surgery or other methods of self mutilation. I'm not that warped.

I know some people who are but I'm not naming names here.

My one guy friend, which is one of two closeish friends I hang out with, says I am beutiful.

I have trouble  believing him but everyone has issues.

Another area I take issue with is my belly.

I have lost some weight but still there it bulges out in front of me.

I may be exxagerating but thats not the point.

Most of what my mother and her mother point out to me are my phisical faults and but they forget to tell me how they would fix them or even how I could realistically find a way around them.

All this angst usually gets internalized, literally through food and sticks around...exasterbating the problem and beginning the cycle again.

This is just a rant so don't take it too seriously...seriously.

I'm not about to kill myself.

I got in trouble in HS for something I wrote on LJ. kinda spooked my that the principal found it and knew it was me and not some jillian asian chic. Funny that.

I have in the past been suicidal...and sadly at that point the one thing that kept me back, literally, was the fact that it wasn't pain free. 

I don't like pain and thats normal right?

This is getting rather depressing...lets lighten the mood and laugh a little.

:)

 

 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Birds

Image
Recently I've taken to a kind of amateur bird watching...Not really going out and looking for particular birds really but just going about my usual activities and keeping an eye out for any avian tag alongs.  One being the common Crow or Raven, I can never remember if there is a distinctions...I've heard that the raven is bigger with a orange beak, with the crow as a smaller bird with a black beak. I've seen many of these birds hanging around my home, and can identify them by sound or sight. Another bird that I only caught a glimpse of was the magpie, I didn't get a chance to take a picture but found one on the internet that matched what I saw. It is really a beautiful bird but beyond what it looks like I really can't say I know very much about it. What really was strange was that while I had never done any research about the bird I KNEW that the bird was indeed a magpie, the name just popped into my head as soon as I saw it. I also found this guy in my backyar...
Read more

Day 24

Image
i continued with my chakra meditation today. i used the same imagery as before, imagining my sacral chakra as a spinning pinwheel that i could spin with my breathing. i added the thought that in spinning it i was also cleaning all the dust or old evergy from it, an image of a spinning wheel of fire came to me then, burning away the bad or old built up blockages that have built up over the years. i have many blockages in this area, probably more that in my root.  relating with th asexual has alway been a little bit of a minefield for me, open discussion of this subject was discorage heavily.  both of my parents had their own reasons for blocking this path to knowledge in their own lives but as a consequence it is difficult to find my own way. Your parents are your first teachers, and when they hide knowledge or discourage learning about a part of your own body, you learn to distrust any future teachers.  including yourself. learning to trust your intuition or even yo...
Read more

Spider Woman's Web: Traditional Native American Tales About Women's Power

Image
Image via Wikipedia This is a book I picked up from BN a few days ago. I was looking through the cultural studies section, because the native american metaphysical books are there instead of the Metaphysical sections. Go figure. Anyway, I picked this book up and am pleasantly surprised by it. I was expecting a mishmash of cultures and generalities but what I got was a precise study of NA Culture with only a slight feminist slant without screwing up the tales themselves. The translations are solid and enjoyable to read, made for a modern audience but remaining true to the roots they spring from. Its a collection of tales that highlight the power that women held in NA culture and the questions at the end of each section help apply lessons taught in the tale to your own life. ------- Chapter 1:Spider woman saves Ko-chin-ni-na-ko This tale orientates from the keresan pueblos, located in the southwest of the US, and features a w...
Read more